Singer Adele has announced a split from her husband Simon Konecki, in a bid to generate some of the heart-rending angst that led to the success of her first three albums.
The ‘Rolling in the Deep’ singer hasn’t produced a new record since 25 in 2015, and hopes the manufactured heartache can propel her to more critical acclaim, and a higher bank balance.
Speaking at a press conference today, Adele said: “After my break-up all those years ago I was devastated, and that sadness propelled me to write three albums that people loved and related to, bringing me untold wealth and global adulation.
“I was quite happy with Simon, but honestly, that just isn’t as engaging to your average Joe. Turns out people are f***ing miserable, and Misery Loves Company…that’s the name of the new album. Go on, tweet it.”
Soon-to-be-ex-husband Simon said he was surprised by the announcement, but seemed to understand: “Everything was going really well, then in the last few months she started instigating a lot of drama. I wasn’t sure what was going on, until she mentioned getting back in the studio soon, and then I understood. Fair play really.
“I’ll be cheering her on from the considerably sized Mayfair penthouse I’ll almost certainly get in the divorce.”
The couple have asked for privacy but released a joint statement saying they plan to raise their child together in a ‘loving’ environment, one that can be best facilitated by Adele making another £400 million, now that she finally has some new divorce-driven artistic inspiration.
By Daisy and David Bard
Image: Marcen 27