Beleaguered Prime Minister Theresa May faced further criticism that she is willing to put partying before country, after hosting a wicked rager at her Downing Street residence.
Although May had promised a short meeting yesterday, sources say cabinet members were instead subjected to a dank seven-hour lock-in by their party-mad leader, as talks turned into drinks, then pingers, followed by one minister whipping out some marching powder and repeatedly shouting: “who wants to SNORT the party line?”
Next thing everyone knew it was 6am and environment secretary Michael Gove was off his nut dancing to Skrillex.
In a statement this morning, May appeared in a dressing gown and slippers, with heavy bags under her eyes, looking fragile and muttering about a “cracking comedown.”
Critics from both sides of the aisle, not to mention the public and media, are concerned that May’s insatiable loyalty to party politics, if unchecked, could well tear the country apart.
With Brexit supposedly less than ten days away and parliament still not agreed on a way forward, advisers are begging May to get her nose out the baggies for five minutes, ignore partying for once, and put Britain’s wellbeing first.
A Conservative Party insider told the Gonzo that her situation has deteriorated in recent weeks, and she is barely recognisable from the once-responsible sesh gremlin who took over the party in 2016.
They said: “Initially we all supported her approach. She got wrecked about once a week – proper wrecked, mind – but everyone was behind her and she was leading the country in the right direction. She was responsible.
“But since she lost her majority in 2017 it’s really all been downhill. Now, she parties most nights. Sometimes you can’t even contact her cause she’s so deep in the K-hole, usually listening to acid house.”
After alienating so many members of her own party, May has finally reached out to the opposition leader, with cabinet insiders believing she is desperate for someone – anyone – to share a last spliff and chat shit with at the end of a night.
An insider told us: “You can say what you like about the leader of the opposition, but the honourable member for Islington North clearly knows where to score the best gear: in his own allotment, just next to the artichokes.”
By David and Daisy Bard