Late last night, Hackney softboy Harry Davis, 26, whose hormones run like clockwork, told his hookup Elisa Chan, 25, that “condoms just really kill my sensation, I hate using them.”
A reporter from the London Gonzo discovered that Davis has never had his ludicrously privileged existence subjected to any form of hormone-based contraception.
Though Davis says he “definitely gets anxious, sometimes,” we can confirm he’s never experienced any of the mood swings, depression, weight fluctuations or day-to-day uncertainty of messing with a natural hormone cycle, which he has now enjoyed undisturbed for nearly three decades.
“Thing is, I used condoms once – actually twice – and both times it took me ages to cum, and I just don’t think any man should have to go through that,” Harry bravely told us.
Rather than sharing this red flag with Chan on their first or second date, Davis made the decision to wait until the moment of coitus to bring it up. Chan told us: “I just wish he’d mentioned it earlier, instead of banging on for 2 hours about why The 1975 are the future of music. I’m not on the pill so I would’ve bailed.
“Instead, we get back to mine, and just when mama’s ready to plough, and I’ve got a condom out the drawer, he says, ‘you’re on the pill, right?’ Next thing you know he’s lecturing me about why the pill is modern medicine’s greatest achievement, and I should definitely give it a try. He didn’t even taken his shoes off.”
“It’s never been a problem for me,” Davis elaborated. “My ex was on the pill, and people I’ve been with casually seemed to be okay with it. It wasn’t, like, a ‘serious conversation.’ It’s hard to jump off this D train once you’re on board, know what I’m saying? Anyway, no biggie if there’s a slip up – that’s what the morning after pill’s for, right? I think Eli really overreacted.”
A past hookup of Davis’, Rosie Mitchell, 24, shared her story. “I got the copper coil and bled for 3 months straight. Not to mention the blinding pain…god, the pain. And then it just fell out. All that for nothing. By the time Harry asked if he could just pull out, I was too exhausted to argue.”
Davis was quick to point out that, “I think it’s so unfair the onus is entirely on women. I would totally take the male pill if it was available and you know, like, totally safe, no side effects, like the female one. I’d definitely do it. If that ever happened. But they won’t in my lifetime, will they?”
By Daisy and David Bard
Image: Joel Overbeck via Unsplash