Despite claiming to have been looking forward to it since last week, Cockfosters local Dean Matthews is silently hoping that his weekly Tuesday kickabout will be cancelled.

Matthews, 28, has admitted to the Gonzo that he has spent most of Tuesday praying for bad weather or an admin mix-up at his local sports centre even though he regularly tells co-workers that he loves seeing “the lads”.

Speaking from his office this afternoon, the IT consultant said: “Every week I look forward to it, then when the day comes, I just find myself praying for rain, or a double-booking, or an act of God. Anything really.”

“It’s not that I don’t like football, I do, it’s just – I’m tired, and Tuesdays are so long, and sometimes you just want to get home, instead of standing outside in the freezing cold as night falls, with people you’re not even sure you like anymore.

“Once I was on the bench for the whole second half. I think they forgot I was there.”

Matthews also stressed that he is often forced to play in goal for long stretches, despite seeing himself as more of an attacking winger, or false nine.

He added: “I used to be able to make excuses because of ‘the missus,’ but then she broke up with me, and now the lads think it’s good for me to get out and play football once a week.

“If anything, it’s only made things worse. Especially now my ex is shagging Stevie, who also plays most weeks, which they all make jokes about, especially when he ‘scores’, which is all the time, and I have to laugh, because it’s either that or cry. I’m at the end of my tether.”

All names have been changed. If you are in fear of sport-related socio-personal ostracisation from your lads’ Whatsapp group, contact thelondongonzo@gmail.com

By David and Daisy Bard

Image: Daniel Pires