A woman who commandeered a school bus on its way to Putney before leading the police on an epic chase up the M6 motorway has blamed her actions on missing her “morning caffeine rush.”
Company secretary Janine Hoik reached top speeds of 110 mph and made 28 terrified students fear for their lives during the high speed pursuit this morning, and by midday, the Impact Coaches vehicle which she had hijacked was being pursued by a police convoy, with helicopters also in tow.
But despite the severity of her actions, Hoik traces everything back to the moment she forwent her daily skinny cappuccino from Caffe Nero Parsons Green.
Speaking to reporters after being released this evening, Ms. Hoik said: “Eugh, you know how it is – I’m just not a proper human until I’ve had my coffee”
“Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee! Everyone knows that about me. I even have a mug that says it, and everyone knows it’s my mug.”
And police sources have said that whilst in custody, and cuffed to a table, Hoik had told officers: “Life without coffee is like me without sleep – neither are recommended. One minute you forget to grab a capp on the way to the tube – total brain fart – the next you’ve knocked a school bus driver unconscious with your shoe, and you’re halfway to Carlisle!
“The real miracle here is how quickly I got through the London rush hour traffic! Hahaha. Seriously though, nobody’s even offered me a coffee yet – what is this, a prison?”
All children were safely returned home to their families, and Hoik was given a caution and 60 hours’ community service.
Chief Superintendent Ned Burroughs of the Metropolitan Police told the Gonzo: “This sort of thing actually happens all the time – courts have started treating it as a form of diminished capacity. You should see what it’s like down here when the Sarge hasn’t had his morning cortado!”
By David and Daisy Bard