New year, new you, and all power to those brave Londoners who have vowed to start 2019 with a health kick by fleetingly going vegan. Even more power to those sticking with it. But seriously, when will this dude shut the f**k up about it? It’s 31 January.

It was sort of cute for the first few days: his struggles to find a decent vegan sandwich, trying to cook without butter, starting an Instagram account for his efforts, discussing if honey really is vegan, and whether or not he should be concerned about his newly runny poos. But it’s nearly February now, and if he isn’t used to it yet, that’s not your goddamn problem.

“Maybe I’ll carry on and see how long I can do it for,” he continues, horrifying you to the core that this may not be over in a week. “People go vegan for three, even four months. And my new ‘gram’s really taken off!” You stay silent in the vain hope he will trail off and forget about this. Nope.

“It’s not even that hard eating falafel twice a day, y’know?” He says, his puppy dog eyes screaming out for a hamburger, even though he literally ate one three and a half weeks ago. “And besides, I’ve got way more energy now and blah blah blah,” you tune out his whining while looking forward to a delicious ribeye steak.

By Daisy and David Bard