Oxford Street air will be bottled and used to develop chemical weapons, under a new scheme announced by the Ministry of Defence today.

Air on the West End road is thought to be so polluted that if concentrated, it could be as deadly to humans as more conventional weapons such as chlorine gas and Boris Johnson.

And the Government has not ruled out selling the bottled air to other countries in the future and then releasing a statement condemning them for using it.

Speaking about the plans this afternoon, Prime Minister Theresa May said: “Air means air, except in this case, the country’s leading scientists have confirmed it actually doesn’t, and that this air could actually mean a very premature death for some people.

“This solution kills too birds with one stone, both literally, and metaphorically, in the sense that it’ll clear the air for Londoners and help plug in a huge gap in our budget.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn responded by saying that his priority was to secure a General Election and that if that wasn’t possible, the party would consider all options on the table.

By Callum Mason

Image: David Wright