A young couple have bought a property within the London commuter belt, but as of yet the story oddly hasn’t appeared in a single national newspaper.
Residents of Balham, Wandsworth, have told The London Gonzo that a ‘for sale’ sign was recently removed from a property in Balham Hill, and that a man and a woman – clearly and visibly younger than 30 – have moved in.
“I don’t understand”, said local resident Elaine Simmonds, “all evidence suggests that they have indeed bought the house, but I’d expected to see at least three smug human interest stories in this week’s Sunday papers explaining how they did it alongside meaningless and frankly insulting advice about how they avoided unnecessary expenses to do so.
“I want to find out how they bought the property – usually it’s hidden in about the 12th paragraph when they admit they got a £50,000 handout from their parents – but there’s not a peep anywhere.”
As of Thursday afternoon, unconfirmed reports from locals say the young couple were spotted eating a breakfast containing avocado at a local gentrified café.
By Callum Mason